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February 2002


Labour of Love —
Finding the "right" one with singles coach Amy Owens
by Kristina Machanic
Photographed by Jerry Kalyniuk

Amy Owens' success story begins like that of many women these days. After 24 years of marriage, she found herself divorced and emotionally devastated.

Now, a decade later, the sparkle has returned to her eyes, the smile is ever ready and her heart is big enough to handle the cares of others. She not only has a very successful career, but she is using what she learned about herself and her life choices to help others avoid the same mistakes.

Owens bills herself as "The Singles Coach" and she teaches adults how to find the right mate.

She still remembers the agony she went through, of course. "It was an excruciating time. I was painfully, crushingly lonely," she says, her voice soft and low. "It felt like I was being torn apart, like everything I'd built was torn down."

With her husband gone and their two sons, Ian and Chris, away at college, she had no one. "I went from a family of four to a family of one in just a few weeks. I had no preparation - I was blindsided."

Ironically, she had spent many years counseling others. Now, she knew, she'd have to call on her training and experience to help herself, or she wouldn't be able to help others. It took her a year-and-a-half to regroup.

Along the way, Owens reviewed where she had been. Topping her bachelor's degree in sociology from Syracuse University with a master's degree in counseling from Ball State University in 1972, she began her career at the Gallahue Mental Health Center, where she coordinated the drug and alcohol treatment program.

After six years, she moved on to establish and direct the first outpatient drug and alcohol treatment center in Lebanon, and worked part-time at Fairbanks Hospital. Finally, in 1985 Owens decided to open a full-time private counseling practice in Castleton, where she offered co-dependency treatment and long-term deep reconstructive therapy.

"It was very deep, demanding and satisfy ing work," she recalls. "I spent three to five years with people 'reparenting' them."

It was during this time that she and her husband grew apart. Having met him in her hometown of Long Island, N.Y., Owens married Lee right after college and spent the next 10 years following him wherever his career with the Air Force took him, including Germany, where they lived for four years while their sons were toddlers.

But in 1989, five years into a successful practice, Owens found herself suddenly alone. Her husband had decided he needed more space for personal growth, leaving Owens with more space for herself than she wanted.

"I had to rebuild my whole social support system," she remembers. "And I really had to pull in my energy to reinvest in myself."

Within three years, she was ready to get back in the (dating) game. Now she looks back and sees the mistakes she continued to make.

"I had a relationship I never should have been in and I got my heart broken," Owens says, quietly adding that the man turned out to be an alcoholic.

She then decided to look for companionship, rather than romance, and placed an ad in the personals in search of a ballroom dance partner. She had a few good responses and would enjoy dancing with a man for four or five months before moving on to someone else.

Cupid was calling, however, and Owens eventually decided she needed somebody to date, so she reworded her personal ad.

"I said to myself, 'If that guy is out there, then I'm gonna find him,'" she declares, her voice high and full of energy again.

"I just decided to let the chips fall as they may," she recalls. "I felt just like the Marines; all I wanted was a few good men. Five or six was all I wanted, but I got a couple dozen. I thought, ÔHey, I did it, I broke the code! I can teach other people how to do this, too,' " she says.

"And that's how I got the idea for the course."

The course is "Advanced Relationship Strategies" (ARS), which she describes as a program for singles who are serious about finding life partners.

After six years, she recognizes with each class how vital her own experiences are to guiding others down the road to satisfying relationships. "I couldn't just teach the mechanics (of dating). That would be dangerous," she says. "I had to go through the personal growth experience and be clear on who I was first."

Owens tries to keep the groups small, ideally around 15 people, and an equal number of men and women when possible. Ages range from 28 to 72. About half are divorced, a quarter widowed, the rest never married. The one thing they all have in common is a real desire to find someone with whom to share their lives.

She does discourage dating until they've completed the course.

"I had to make a choice back in 1995, asking whom the program was for," Owens says. "I didn't want to work with people who were just interested in dating, but with those serious about finding a life partner. Sometimes I was afraid about narrowing the niche," she admits, but once she did, she never looked back and the students kept coming.

The point of one class is to define each person's perfect mate, and to learn not to settle for less.

"Everyone feels obligated to make a sandwich out of the last two slices of bread," Owens warns her class. Or "Finding a mate is like buying a car." She notes the purpose, non-negotiables, negotiables and extras she and her family were considering when looking for a station wagon back in 1980 to tow their speedboat.

Using this example, she shows the class that the same principles apply to choosing a partner and suggests the students write down a few thoughts for each category.

She likes using the car as an example, acknowledging a real love for wheels. In fact, just about the same time her family was looking to buy that station wagon, Owens bought herself a big, shiny, red Honda 650 motorcycle.

"My former husband was into bikes and always wanted me to ride with him," she says. "But I hated to ride on the back. I felt so unsafe and couldn't see anything, so I told him the only way I would ride with him was if I had my own bike."

Her motorcycle days are behind her now, like the marriage, and she uses that example to show her students how priorities have changed on her car-buying list. (Now she drives a shiny red Sebring convertible.)

She finds some students are more relaxed than others about sharing personal information. One young woman is surprised to discover that there's a trend to what qualities she admires and seeks out in all people in her life.

After class, a few students linger to chat, ask an extra question or share something that happened since their last meeting. One is eager to tout Owens' ability to make each student feel special and important.

"Amy really brings out the best in people," praises Colleen, whose friend had taken the class and urged her to give it a try. "I highly recommend it. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself."

The satisfied student explained that the class doesn't apply only to romantic ventures, but teaches people to respect and esteem themselves in all regards.

And just how has Owens used what she's learned in her own life?

She met her Mr. Right three years ago. Occupying the office next to hers, Jim Horney stopped by to introduce himself one day when he saw her light on. He came by for chats just about every day after that and they became good friends.

"When I found out that Jim was single and new in town I shamelessly recruited him for my class," Owens admits.

He resisted at first, saying he wasn't looking for anyone and would leave it up to fate. Eventually, fate stepped in and he signed up.

"Amy's very persistent," Horney admits. "Going to the class was a case of arm-twisting, and I finally gave in."

Chats turned to bike rides and dinners, and after a few weeks Owens bent her cardinal rule and got romantically involved with Jim while he was her student.

"She didn't tell me the ending, though," Horney says, "that I'd end up with the teacher."

"When I told the class they roared, and they tease me to this day, but I think they understood that we were serious," Owens recalls.

One trait that particularly attracted her to Horney was his capability and eagerness to share his intentions and feelings for her. On their first date he accidentally knocked over both his red wine and his water glass reaching across the table, admitting afterwards that he'd planned to use the excuse of seeing if her hands had warmed up from the cold, but really he had just wanted to hold her hand.

Horney's desire to be honest and emotional spoke to Owens' core values, and she knew Mr. Right finally had arrived.

"I made two decisions when I was 12 years old," she says. "I É decided that No. 1, people are the most important thing in this world, and No. 2, I would always tell the truth, regardless of the circumstances."

She still adheres to both of those childhood values and feels they have made her who she is today. "When people meet me they trust me." And it's a trust Owens takes to heart. In fact, she's hurt and disappointed when students don't keep in touch. "It's very distressing when students graduate and I never hear from them again. And when they get married and they don't tell me themselves. É I wish they'd understand that my heart goes with each of them."

In that respect, Amy Owens is everyone's Ms. Right. F Machanic is engaged to be married in May and, after checking with Amy Owens, feels confident she's found her Mr. Right.



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