by Pamela Wampler

Picture the scene: Denny's Restaurant on a busy Sunday morning. While enjoying breakfast with my husband and father-in-law, I noticed a patron at a nearby table complaining to the waitress - his voice growing loud. We tried our best to ignore him. When the waitress disappeared, we re-engaged in our conversation, only to be quickly disarmed by his behavior. He jumped up, ranting about the service, and went in search of the manager. A tense silence filled the room. When he returned, he grabbed his jacket and left - barking insults all the way.

What was his problem?

Excessive entitlement. He acted as if he had a right to special service, no matter how disruptive he was to other customers. Only his needs mattered. When he felt the staff wasn't giving him what he wanted, he became angry and verbally abusive. He seemed unaware of how others viewed him, and showed no embarrassment about his tantrum.

At this end of the entitlement spectrum, people are consumed with their own needs and wants. Because they are overly expressive of them and expect satisfaction, they earn reputations as demanding, self-centered and controlling. When they don't get their way, they express anger and sometimes rage. In this state, they can hurt, demean and abuse others. They have little regard for others' feelings and therefore will meet their own needs at another's expense. In relationships, they're takers. They also may have legal troubles and criminal histories.

Degrees of entitlement

No doubt some folks in the restaurant that morning received lukewarm pancakes or runny eggs, and didn't say a word. Perhaps some were too tired to quibble or just weren't in an assertive mood. Yet another group wouldn't speak up no matter what - even if their waitress served them the wrong order. If so, their silence betrayed deficient entitlement.

At this extreme, people feel they have no personal rights. They fail to value and express their own needs and wants, and do not speak or act on their own behalf. Therefore, they defer to others and get trampled on. In relationships, they're givers.

Entitlement is part of early childhood development. Some theorists speculate that toddlers, heady from the new experience of walking, see the world as their oyster. Needless to say, their sense of entitlement runs high. With repeated, gentle frustrations, they begin to realize that although they are loved, they are not the center of the world.

Overindulgent parents prevent children from learning this.

Psychologists Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko, authors of Reinventing Your Life, refer to the result as spoiled entitlement. Basically, such parents give their children whatever they want. When the kids throw temper tantrums, they are rewarded: They get their way. These parents don't teach reciprocity in relationships - the notion that one has to give as well as receive. Nor do they teach consideration and respect for other people's feelings. The outcome? Spoiled, demanding adults.

However, excessive entitlement often goes deeper than the spoiled-brat syndrome: It can hide a wounded heart. Young and Klosko call this fragile entitlement.

Unveiling the pain

Janie displays this. In her childhood, her parents focused on their careers and worked long hours. Janie spent many evenings and weekends with her nanny, longing for an emotional connection with her absent parents. Because they met her physical needs and lavished her with any object she desired, Janie developed a huge sense of entitlement about material things. They became a substitute for love. As an adult, she is very demanding about food, clothes, jewelry, furniture and so on. Of course, nothing satisfies her because deep down she yearns for emotional nurturing.

Maya's father was critical, demeaning and punitive. To cope with her painful feelings of worthlessness and shame, she developed excessive entitlement. It is as if she's saying to the world, "I'm so special and so demanding you'll never dare to criticize or demean me again." She puts on a tough front to cover her vulnerability. Unfortunately, she has lost touch with this essential part of herself.

Some people feel entitled to be taken care of. They expect others to care for them like a parent cares for a child. Because they feel incompetent and vulnerable in the world, they rely on others to help them with daily responsibilities, including decision-making and perhaps financial support. Young and Klosko refer to this as dependent entitlement.

Vanessa was the youngest of four children. Family members coddled her as "the baby." The family did everything for her. Consequently, she never learned to care for herself. Yes, she grew up in a safe environment, but it was too safe. She was overprotected. As an adult, she lacks confidence in her ability to function in daily life and depends heavily on her husband. Her constant demands drain him.

Reigning it in

It's a definite challenge to change a lifelong pattern of entitlement. For fragile and dependent entitlement, you must address underlying issues. If you deal with fragile entitlement, a skilled and empathic therapist can help you be more honest with yourself and access your vulnerability. If you deal with dependent entitlement, a therapist can help you challenge yourself to grow up, step by step, while providing you with support. In their book, Young and Klosko offer excellent change techniques for all three forms of entitlement.

Because entitlement is such an embedded pattern, you may have difficulty recognizing it. You probably are not aware of the impact you have on others. Ask those around you for feedback. Tell them you want their help.

These are tasks you need to work on:

> Learn to ask for what you want without demanding it.

> Realize people have the right to say "no."

> Start paying attention to the feelings of the people around you.

> Find ways to meet your needs that respect the rights of others.

Maintain balance

In early childhood, a child's unbridled entitlement should be tempered, not destroyed. Unfortunately, this isn't always what happens. The good news: As an adult, you can develop a basic sense of entitlement.

These are the tasks you need to work on:

> Realize that you have personal rights, and start defining them.

> Raise your standards for how you want others to treat you.

> Start paying attention to your own needs and feelings.

> Learn to ask for what you want and say what you would like.

> Strive for a balance of give-and-take in your relationships.

A good therapist can help you develop a healthy dose of entitlement and a stronger sense of self, while dealing with your fears about change. You might consult Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons.

We all need a healthy sense of entitlement. It enables us to regard ourselves as unique persons who have a right to be treated with respect. At the same time, we acknowledge this holds true for all people. We can pursue our wants and needs while respecting those of others, and enjoy the natural flow of give-and-take in reciprocal relationships.

Some people believe excessive entitlement leads to happiness. If I always get my way and what I want, I'll be happy. But at what price? So much richness is lost in terms of genuine connection with others. So much is missed - not least of all, the joy of being part of something larger than just me.

As a licensed therapist in private practice, Wampler hopes to help people become who they were created to be. You can visit her Web site at www.floweringfromwithin.com.

Article appears as published in the IW September 2007 issue.